five years ago today, i learned that i had cancer.
why i live on, while friends have not, is mystery to me.
undoubtedly God wanted two more little ones.
dumbfounding to look at them and ponder their non-existence.
if not for chemo.
undoubtedly God wanted seven more new yorkers.
brought to the city by a historic church fallen on hard times.
brought to the city for the ancient gospel every ready to rescue.
brought to the city to be brought to the end of ourselves.
and to find again that Christ is all in all.
undoubtedly God wanted kimberly and me to carry on.
to live, to laugh, to dance, to sing.
to weep, to mourn, to age, to love.
but why do i live on?
and not daniel or ken or julie or todd.
i have no full answer.
nor a better answer than sarah edwards:
a holy and good God sometimes covers us with a dark cloud.
but my God lives.
and he has my heart.
God save me, save us all, from hezekiah’s fate.
where added years meant diminished faithfulness.
where answered prayers yielded self-confidence.
we take as our own the prayer of Bernard of Clairvaux:
let us never, never outlive our love to Thee.
five years ago today.
grateful to be alive.